Massive Mental Injury

First, a brief history of the game in question:

Bionic Commando was originally released for the NES system around 1988. For those of us old enough to remember old school 8-bit gaming, this is kind of a misty eyed time for us. Games were simple, required a bit more creativity and purpose in design than just move mouse pointer towards the person you want to kill, click the mouse and yell BOOOOOM HEADSHOT YEAAAHHHH. This also meant that the really good ones were difficult. And I don't mean difficult as in 'Oh jeez I died again, time to just try again a few more times until I get it. No no. I mean difficult as in 'Sweet Christ no. No no no no not again. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!!! PLEASE GOD PLEASE JUST GIVE ME THE SKILLS!!!"

Apart from Battletoads and the Ninja Gaiden series, Bionic Commando stands as one of the most difficult original 8 bit classics, not because of the code or game play was just so horrible (because it really, really wasnt...) it was because the game was just that damn good.

I guess it stands to reason that since lately everything good from the past has been getting a remake, it was only a matter of time before old school 8 Bit fans had a bone thrown to them with a recent console true sequel to the original.



SO CRASH.. WHATS THIS ALL ABOUT ANYWAYS??

Nathan Spencer is the original Commando from the 8 Bit Classic, a war veteran who lost his left arm as the result of injuries sustained in Battle. He is then offered an opportunity to volunteer for a seekret government project to take soldiers apparently too gibbled from being able to serve in active duty and to make them.. BIONIC... which he of course accepts. Because seriously, who wants to be disabled anyways??

(Just to be clear, that was sarcasm. I could go into details about themes of disability and how we treat/percive/portray them in this game but thats a really long and involved discussion which I really couldn't even begin to do intellegently. My good friend Trouble In China on the other hand might have a few interesting things to say on the subject, but I am not certain if she has ever played this, or could be convinced to sound off on some of the themes the game brings up. For now I just wanna talk about the game itself.)

Okay you know what? Hell with the story. I could complain about how weak it really is even if it does weave some of the original plotline from an 8 Bit Classic, its a minor complaint for me that I won't bother to address any further than in Caveman.

BIG MAN WIT BIG CYBORG ARM SWINGIN FROM PLACE TO PLACE SHOOTING PEEPZ WITH GUNZ ARR ARR AARR AARRGHH ARRRRARRARAARGGHHH HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT

That basically sums it up. Oh and there are semi-nazi's like in the original. And a missing wife that he's trying to find. Oh and some ex-squadmate of his with cyborged up superhot chicky legs has the hots for him regardless. OH and his best buddy in the world from all the way back in the day is a dick now.

LOOK I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE PLOT. ITS A FUCKING TRAINWRECK OKAY??? There I said it. Fuck off already.

UM. OKAYYYY SO YOU DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT THE PLOT AT ALL. WELL UH.. HOW DOES IT PLAY?

How does it play? Pretty damn sweet is how it plays. While the playstyle doesn't lend well to a lot of 3rd person run and gun'er's out there hopped up on Gears of War or GTA, this was never supposed to feel like that in the first place. This game requires you to keep moving. Stationary + Your Ass = Death. And when you do move, its pretty damn sweet. Swinging from ledge to ledge, pillar to pillar, wall to wall, building to building; its like someone bitchslapped all the emo out of Spiderman, gave him a fuck-load of guns and told him FASTER PUSSYCAT KILL KILL KIIIIIIIILLLL..

The swinging is smooth, the interactivity between your environment and your gigantic ass robotic arm is sweet, allowing both some very nifty looking evasive acrobatics as well as agonizingly frustrating moments of getting from point a to point b because you miss that one swing by just.. that.. much.

The combat is pretty simple, giving you a handful of pretty standard weapons and combat manuvers that make use of the arm in either pretty per-par action moves that you would expect from a game like this. The enemies may not be too bright, but they do work well together. Wise is the man who plays this game and has effective hit and run techniques. You might feel like odd Hybrid between Tarzan and Rambo, but you still don't feel immortal.

Overall, its only really got one serious weakness in terms of gameplay; Its terribly Linear. Like I said before, its from point a to point b. There might be a million ways from sunday you can make the journey but its still basically one level to the next, which is somewhat a shame considering the very large and awe-inspiring scope of each level. Technically speaking, even the original 8-Bit game was somewhat more open ended and open world, as you still had the option of exactly what level you went to. It feels like the design team couldn't be bothered to figure out exactly how every neat concept they had for levels and environments could all be tied together, or just didn't have an engine that could process a world with the amount of detail and flexibility of movement that would be open ended. It could be interpretted as a shame, because the game could use a lot of that sense of open-world flexiblity that we see in a lot of games like inFamous or GTA or the like. On the otherhand, it could be intended to feel more like an 8-bitter going from level to level. Simple, point by point, and requiring that the player overcome challeges without skipping out on the hard ones to move forward.

NEAT! HOW DOES IT LOOK? HOW DOES IT SOUND???? HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE GROWTH ON YOUR NECK???

Thats my head. Douchebag. And it looks pretty good! The game, that is. Not my head. But my head looks good too. STOP CONFUSING ME.

The graphics are pretty good; on my new 1080p beauty of a TV the framerate is nice and smooth, the transitions are pretty natural looking, and the art style is pretty standard of what you'd expect from a J-style action/shooter. The lighting and shading can sometimes fall a bit flat, however and the facial details are pretty .. well.. um.. cro-magnon at times.

The game really shines in its sound, however. From its sweeping epic re-mastering of the original theme to the nice little kerchunk sounds the arm makes as you swing from place to place. Its very well done.

In relation to the sound, however there was one interesting point of contention I had with the game; I want to mention that the game does have a bit of a sly sense of humor from time to time. In fact, sometime its not so sly.. for example, some actual in game dialog;

Big Boss: HA HA!! Jah, mista Spencah suun you vill be destroyed by zah mighty..
You: Shut up!!! Shut up shut up JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP DAMMIT I AM TRYING TO KILL YOU!!!

or;

You: Whoa.. now THATS a boss fight.. Heh.. HEY BUDDY, IS THAT YOUR LIFE BAR OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME???

The writers for the game must have realized halfway through the production that their working plot was just ludacris, so if this is the case why bother to take the actual scripted dialog too seriously? And why not? Even the original game had its momemts of corny humor with the dialog between bad guys. All this aside, some of it really could have been toned down a bit.

While the violence in the game can get kinda painful looking sometimes, it doesn't really even go balls to the wall with blood or gore. Nevertheless for bad language alone the game earned itself a M for mature rating for the amount of F-Bombs Spencer drops while whooping ass. Far fuckin be it from me to complain about bad language, but with the rest of the content of the game, if they had just washed the big-dreadlocked jackasses mouth out with some soap before they had started scripting him in-game, they probably could have kept the game T for Teen and opened it up to a bit wider of an audience. On the other hand, its not likely most kids between the ages of 12-17 would be able to appreciate the nostalgia factor of the game. So fuck em, keep the foul language. I can play it, why the fuck would I care if your 13 year old brother has to ask mommy if he can or can't? He can kiss my gigantic bionically enhanced ass.


SO CRASH, ARE YOU SAYING THE GAME IS WORTH IT???

As a matter of fact I am. Its not a bad little game. It may get repetative for some, but for those of us old enough to remember the original it will make you feel all warm and gooey inside while you grab bad guys by the face and throw them about a mile and a half away from you. It has its flaws all the same, so unless you are a hardcore fan I won't call foul on you if you pull this out of a pre-played bin anytime soon.

I can't wait for the sequel. :)

http://www.edmontonjournal.com/news/Robbery%20suspect%20shot%20dead%20officer/1582461/story.html

This happened on the street that we moved away from not more than a week ago.

OMFG...

I found this video on Youtube.. made me thing of Mousy and me years ago when we first started dating;

Fuck it. Conso-lent has failed. I am weak. But the advantage to you? It means I get to do new reviews for you guys! WIN... sort of.

Today I want to talk about the lastest big PS3 release, Killzone 2.





So lets talk about this game a little big. I am going into this right off the bat by saying that the majority of my time, the large shiny black lump of mostly fail called my PS3 has never been my console of choice. Its not a bad system but I have always preferred my XB360 over the two of them. And as far as I can tell, most gamers out there feel the same why. Its why when you hear the words "PS3 Exclusive" before any title that sounds even remotely interesting a typical gamers first gut reaction is going to be "Pfft. FAIL." Unless its something absolutely epic, such as Little Big Planet or Metal Gear Solid 4. This was even true back in the day when the original Xbox was competing against the PS2.

Sony wanted to find a good FPS title back in the day that could actually compete against Halo and Halo 2. Back in 2004, they figured a little known publisher called Guerrilla Games could put out what they would call a "Halo Killer" in Killzone. Unfortunately, the original game for PS2 met with mixed review and eventually faded into obscurity. To be fair though, those who did like the original Killzone liked it a lot, and it did have a few interesting things going for it.

Five years later and a few misleading E3 trailers later, they finally released part 2 for the PS3. Of course, evey 360 fanboy who had a chance to get their hands on it would decry it and call it lame. And even my gut instinct to follow suit was hard to resist. But the more and more positive reviews I read about it, the curiouser and curiouser I got. I had to check this shit out. Here is what I found;

Preste atención, tontos! Máximo Crashus dirá ahora que lo hizo con la guerrilla Juegos pendientes excelencia con Killzone 2!

I remember looking back a few years ago at the trailer for Killzone 2 for E3 thinking to myself "There is no goddamn way that is anything BUT pre-rendered." And as it turned out, I was right it was. Nevertheless, as fake as the original preview might have been years ago I can admit that graphically that in all honesty I haven't seen an FPS as pretty as this in a very long time. I think of the good ones I have played in the past like Halo 3 or Call of Duty: World at War and the like and this beats them all hands down in the prettiness. Texture maps are well done. Lighting and shadow is realistic and responsive. And the little details that are added for flavour really do give you a sense of immersion that really sets the stage well; everything from the slight blur as you are hit, making a sharp turn or recovering from a grenade going off just barely far enough away to shake you up a bit. The character models are sometimes a bit slow to act accordingly to their surroundings, however the art style for the game is quite well done for the setting. While some might be used to blowing holes in plasma swording aliens, space bugs or space zombies, the bad guys in Killzone have a very nifty neo-fascist fashion sense that makes them both more intimidating and distinctive from a lot of other standard FPS baddies.

The control.. well see thats a point of contention. A lot of multiplayer goons and snyde ass critics claim the controls for both single player and multiplayer are sluggish, slow to manuever and unresponsive. I agree to a certain point; they are somewhat sluggish and slow, and manuevering is a bit of a challenge sometimes. On the other hand, what most FPS players and critics don't realize is that even actual trained soldiers can't leap and bound over cars, expertly pivot into corners at a full sprint or drop into a headshot worthy snipe while shooting from the hip. The game feels like what Call of Duty SHOULD have felt like. The controls remind you that you are not immortal, all powerful and jackrabbit ass jumping space commando; this game makes you feel like a grunt in a big ass, dusty, dirty, bloody firefight eight thousand times bigger than you. And maybe its just me, but that is AWESOME.

The multiplayer system has a great system of leveling up over time, unlocking weapons, player classes and bonuses that you can bring into the game at any time A-la Call of Duty 4 or World at War. Where it succeeds over COD is that its not just weapons or extra stuff to kill people with that gets unlocked over time. Its things like a medic class, or stealth sniper class, or engineer class. While the game doesn't really give you modifiable weapons, it really gives you the freedom over time to craft whatever kind of player in multi that you WANT to play. Very well done.

Ahora escuchar la Máximo! Él está a punto de decirle cómo Killzone 2 no! No se preocupe usted tonto sacerdote católico, que no será una larga lista!

Sound quality and mixing is excellent, however I think the music could have used a bit more work. Most of the time it sounded like some schmuck in his basement with a MIDI keyboard pounding out some kind of standard military-themed anthem from some long forgotten WWII game or movie that was discarded when they could get a REAL composer. Most of the time you barely have a chance to hear any music in the first place from everything that is happening around you from wind effects to ambient battle noise.

Also; while the game does give you a few levels that involve piloting vehicles such as tanks or mechs, these parts are very few and in-between. While they will make you feel like a bad-ass engine of death for three or four minutes, by the time they are done you will be hoping to god for another chance to repeat something like it but you typically won't. Not to mention, there is no option for vehicle combat or anything close to it in multiplayer. I can only hope that this is something that will be included in future patches.

The only other complaint I could make about this game is that the single player mission is somewhat short; anyone with any experience in FPS could probably finish it within 6-7 hours. And while the plot, story and dialog are passable I get the feeling that a lot more effort was put into just securing a really hellish ambiance. While the story might not be perfect, the setting mostly atones.

Otherwise? Seriously. All around wicked.

Prepárese para ser sorprendido, asombrado y asombrados! Ir a la tienda de licor y cerveza, comprar un sobreprecio en previsión de esta emocionante celebración! Maximus es el Crashus sexual viril tiene una salchicha y del tamaño de un pequeño pueblo!

If your looking for a good, solid FPS with an excellent multiplayer that engages you to play PLAY PLAY KEEP KILLING FASTER PUSSYCAT KILL KILL KILLLLLLLLL then I highly recommend this game. It is an oasis of win in a desert of PS3 exclusive failure.

What is it you ask?

I'll tell you what.. its something that I actually got for someone else. (Well, with some help from a good friend. :) )

It was a gold ring with some precious stones on it, and it wasn't meant for my finger.

About 2 Hours ago I proposed to my beloved Rabid Mouse. Amazingly enough, after two years of keeping my scraggly ass around with her, she said Yes.

She said yes!


OH MY GOD, I AM OFFICIALLY ENGAGED!!!!


This, this right here? This is a happy Crash.

:) :) :)

Dear Maximus:

Okay; first off what the fuck? I know we have been through some tough times between the three of us but cold shoulder? You can kiss my white ass, and you can kiss his black ass, mo fucka.

But you know what? We ain't angry. Nope. Not in the least. Why? Well maybe we could use the break too, you insignificant portly fuck. You work us like sleddogs. We barely got four hours to ourselves after the Fallout 3 Launch. And don't even START to talk about the GTA IV Marathons that ensued last spring break. Jackass.

You honestly think you can go 40 days without us??

Well I guess we will see. I mean..

Its not like your missing any decent FPS... oops; Forgot about Killzone 2. Well thats okay. Who needs FPS?

Your more of an RPG guy, we forgot... I .. oh but the Fallout 3 DLC comes out this month too.. huh.. oh dear.

Well its not like there isn't anything with any indie flavour I.. okay I lied. Your not actually missing Noby-Noby-Boy?? Are ya?? HA of course you are.

Well hell with that noise. I mean, you could always.. I dunno listen to more music?? .. Whats that Rock Band 2?? Nope.. sorry, you gather dust this month. Bawww...

But look on the bright side. Its just console gaming your giving up right? There is a ton of stuff out there brand spankin new for pc just waiting for you?

... Speaking of which, how IS that video card of yours handling? ... Whats that? Not so good? It freezes up when it tries to.. and you have to ..

BWA..
BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.....

oh you poor silly man.

Oh no you don't. Fuggya! You turned your back on us, not the other way around. Your officially on your own.

See you in 31 days, you bastard.

Sincerely,

The Twins: PS3phone and the Noisy lil Whitey.

PS. Ran into WoW the other day. The cruel bitch says 'Hi' and if your ever in the neighborhood, sailor .. well you get the idea.

So. I have not broken my self imposed ban against console gaming. This doesn't mean that I can't talk about them. ;)

I would like to talk today about Left 4 Dead, for the PC and the Xbox 360.

Left 4 Dead is a multiplayer First-Person-Shooter developed and published by the good fellows behind Half Life at Valve. The gameplay is pretty simple; you and 3 other players (either AI controlled or other players over local network or Xbox LIVE) go from point A to B either killing anything in sight or just keeping at bay as best you can while running for your life. Pretty simple. And to be honest, thats part of what makes this game pretty neat as well as fail.

Partus Uno : Wherin yon good Maximus doth Laud upon th' Works of Valve; Ho!

The game moves fast. From the moment you load up the first level with your party (either your co-op buddies, AI, or a all out versus fight to the deaths) from the moment the credits roll, people who die quickly in the game are the ones who stop to think. Its balls the wall survival run-and-gun and tries to be very few things in between. Ammo and special weapons are not prevelant. Health is not something easily .. well.. um.. Healed. In games where you actually have live players on your team, often you will hear n00bz screaming their head off when they get left behind by the other players because they make the mistake of playing this game no differently than Halo or Counterstrike or Call of Duty. While you do get points from killing, saving, healing and doing damage if you keep the rest of your team from getting from point A to B you will fail. Adding that to a sadistic AI that controls when Zombies and their mutated bretheren decide to rush you from out of nowhere whenever it seems like the worst possible timing ever (also part of what makes this game AWESOME) creates a game setting that is desperate, stressful, and goddamn scary. The result is a game that requires its successful players to stop being the whiny little crybabies that hog sniper rifles in Halo to go Solo and to actually work together, to communicate, to be a goddamn Team.

Add onto this as well is the option of a versus multiplayer mode that (get dis shit..) lets you play a zombie.

...

No. I'm not fucking with you.

...

Well.. maybe a bit. Not the standard swarming zombie that you gun down in droves, but will give you the chance to play one of a few selected specialist zombies which have their own special (and often grossly awesome) abilities. Again, this encourages teamwork because unlike having guns to just shoot the stoopid survivors and feast on their tasty tasty brains, its requires teamwork to coordinate the attack on the living for the most damage depending on the zombies the AI decides would be the most damaging. One could complain about which zombies the AI will toss the enemy players, but strangely enough its usually picks very very well based on the portion of the level that the other players are in. Its a goddamn super zombie AI.

The graphics are pretty damn polished, even if they are basically just putting some spit polish on the Half-Life source engine. (Heck, look what it did for Team Fortress 2! Who the hell am I to judge??) It looks and sounds great. The level design is well considered for both mood and stratagy but can venture now and then into a pretty linear experience. The Voice acting isn't top notch, but with the exception of the above opening cinematic, this still isn't really a story driven experience in the vein of games like Killzone or Halo so it doesn't really need it.

Partus Duh : Whereforth yon good Crashicus reigns down curses and woe upon th' Works of Valve; Fie upon thee! HO!!!

Now as I said; the game is pretty linear. I mean really linear. And short. With only 4 levels with about 4 chapters a piece, once you have played through each level the only surprises that you can expect are the ones that the AI will toss at you. This can work to the games advantage because it means that a standard game of Left 4 Dead should only take about an hour or so, so playing to completion isn't usually an epic undertaking. This does make it easy for matchmaking and casual playing, but for those looking for a more hardcore experience a-la Gears of War or Resistance 2 Co-op, it may leave your zombie tummy hungry for more. Adding to the experience of a standard run and gun, the game has the potential to get boring unless your willing to press yourself into higher levels of difficulty which will take the standard gamers ass and chew it up like bubblegum only to spit it out and ask for more.

Run and gun works sort of for survival horror, especially for anything involving zombies, guns and limited ammo. Maybe its just me though, but whenever I think about the scariest moments in any zombie movie its when the heroes have a safe place somewhere in the world, only a few boxes of bullets and a handful of guns left... and the goddamn place is surrounded. And while there are one or two moments of that in the game itself, this really should have been a part of the core experience. If I wanted to mindlessly plow my way through wave after wave of mindless running monsters, while this game isn't a bad option its not the only one. While running from safehouse to safehouse and watching the backs of my teammates is both hair-raising and somewhat scary, it could be argueing with being stuck in one safehouse and holding it back with what limited resources you have access to could be just as much fun. While busting zombie head with whatever weapons you can find is a good gory gas, I also want to be desperately banging nails into boards across windows and doors, franticly stuffing cloth napkins into bottles from the liquor cabinet for molotov cocktails, or looking for the best exit to such a place when the baracades finally fall. That, or busy upstairs in the bedroom banging away on whatever hot chick happens to be there because fuck it, those undead bastards are gonna get us anyways. (okay, maybe that last part is just me but STILL.) Fortunately, the saving grace to these complaints is that through the modern miracle of downloadable content, the game does have a lot of potential to improve.. albeit not from the time that you crack the case, slap the disk into the tray and press start.

Partus Trius : Ho! Forth goes yon good Maximus! Bear witness to his mighty judgement, beit forth comalies or weiner shaped beat-stick HO, I SAY!!!

Overall?

This game is Pub Natchos.
Its a great little dish. Its cheesy, meaty, has moments of hot, survival horror fear and cool moments of co-op goodness. The platter is wide, though, and leaves much room for improvement. Though the promise may be there for it to expand, if your looking more a more substancial meal then order something else. The best thing that the game can offer where it stands now is a fantastic platform for other games to springboard off of; the idea of having players actually work together co-operatively without having a unique role for any of them being forced into (with the exeception of vs mode) is well executed here, and could be better executed in future iterations of the same game through downloadable content or through new games down the road.

Its been going well so far. I have a wierd twitch reaction every now and then when I walk past the drum-set for Rock Band 2, but otherwise I am going through pretty well.

To be honest, I have been doing some PC gaming. I picked up a copy of WH40K Dawn of War 2 through angel_soyarama, and her boyo also was kind enough to lend me a copy of the 1st one. To be honest, I typically avoid RTS like the plague but I have to admit I am really enjoying this one.

Still.

Every now and then..

twitch..

twitch..

A few days ago my good friend Barry (who sadly is no longer on LJ) made a suggestion to Mousy and I to join him in Lent. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, you basically give up something important for 40 days for religious purposes. Now his original suggestion to Mousy and I well.. I am not gonna get into that but it kinda rubbed me the wrong way. But it DID get me thinking; what am I willing to sacrifice?

So thats why I am volunteering myself into a kind of Lent of my own.

As of today, for the next 40 days I am giving up console gaming.

No Xbox, No Playstation, No DS. 40 days. Ick.

Now, I am kind of cheating because I have not given up PC gaming, however since the majority of the time I find PC gaming to be far less of a convenience for my own reasons and am just not really as much of a fan.

Why am I doing this?

I believe that console gaming is the next form of storytelling, art, expression and media that will replace movies, TV, etc. And I love it. I seriously do. The convenience of just popping a disc in, powering up a controller and losing myself in whatever world is presented to me.

Maybe its too easy.
Anyways; it was a challenge to my force of will. I will still talk about it, rant about it, rave about the politics and expression of it, but unless its on my home PC I will not play it. Not until April 10th, at least.

On the other hand, it will give me more time to focus on my tabletop game, 54 Reasons as well as maybe joining a new Live game or Tabletop game. As well as maybe a chance to get some exercise, reconnect with some people I haven't connected with in a while.

This is day one.

*gulp*

Someone plz hold me? I think I'm already getting the shakes.

the_tall_man found a very interesting video on TED which he posted up. (I highly recommend you watch it..) So of course, I had to surf around afterwords myself..

I found this; I liked it. ;)

Woodside, Queens, New York City
Woodside Millenium Arborium
April 5th, 2008

Council.
She was never a fan of council. All four of the Ruling Nobles gathered under the same roof to discuss and come to the resolution of political issues. Three of the nobles would act as council, or give honorable notion to disagree should the ruling Noble's decision find too much friction with the other Courts. In theory it would work. Of course, theory did nothing to cover that The Emerald Court, her court had few warriors, spies, or power brokers. What The Emerald Court had in spades was idealists, philosophers and eccentrics, none of which could be an effective spear against the Foe from the alleys. Already Baron Copperleaf, his Seneschal Sir James of the Red Rapiers, King Dias and his Seneschal John Kyrios had arrived. As she sat seated in her throne waiting for the rest of the council to arrive, her Knight-Protector Travor the Unblinking stood at her side leaning against his might Greathammer as her Seneschal Sir Pentlebuckle the 4th sat beside his Duchess putting the final touches on her address to the council. She didn't have the heart to tell him yet, but they probably wouldn't even let her get through half of it.
As Elizabeth Slate and her Senechal Prince Shodehrn of the Onyx Court finally arrived to join into council, The Duchess sighed quietly to herself. She already knew exactly how this would go. No matter how she protested, or pleaded or cursed she could already hear the councils recommendation. She knew only one would support her motion, and that would not be enough.
Council.
Stupid. Useless. Unchanging. She was never a fan of council.

As Slate took her seat next to Baron Copperleaf of the Ashen Court she bowed respectfully. Already the air in the arborium had taken a slight chill to it.
"The Prince and I apologize for our late arrival, but it has been some time since you have called for an emergency Council."
"Please, Slate. Its not like you were doing anything better when your people got the call so spare us your excuses." said Baron Copperleaf with his mouth half open, a cigarette now lit and polluting the already cooling air with the foul scent of Camels Tobbacco. "Myself, on the other hand; now I was busy. Right in the middle of important goddamn business for my people. The Ashen Court does hope, M'lady that you have not wasted our time this fair night madame Duchcess?"

He was a slick, intimidating bastard for a flowerling. On any other night she would have let this go and spared herself the encounter with at the very least Copperleaf and Slate. He gave the Duchess a knowing smile as he took his first drag off his cigarette, his eyes sending a very simple message; 'I haven't forgotten, you goddamn hippy bitch.' And she wouldn't expect him too. It would be a waste of misdirection if he did. No more time could be wasted. It was time;

"Good nobles and fellow Lost of New York; a few hours ago the malevolent creatures that we have come to know as the Garbage Goblins launched an organized attack against the home and hearth of one of my Courts Motleys. One has been confirmed as dead. Two are missing, one known to have been captured by them and another wounded and fled. We have not been able to locate them yet but regardless one death is still tragedy enough."
"The Onyx Court offers its most sincere condolences to you, Duchess." said Queen Slate. The Duchess was surprised that she had not asked for their courtly positions, or at least names.
"Someone important enough to part me from my already important enough company, Duchess?" spat out the Baron. "With all due respect, this is New York City. Its not like we have a shortage of .."
"The Baron should watch his toungue, and his tone." Snarled King Dias. "Regardless of their position, whomever they were I feel that they will not be the first. Good Duchess, give us the word and I will send word to the Motleys of the Iron Spear. I am certain that at least one of them will be happy to volunteer to form a rescue party."
"Or you could pay someone from my people and we can actually bring them back alive." Sneered the Baron.
"That almost sounds like Blackmail, good Baron." Said the Winter Queen with arched brow.
"Not at all, good Queen. Just a reminder that where Dias' people talent lay. Not with rescue or liberation; just fighting, killing, destroying."
"How dare yo.."
"Enough!" The Duchess finally asserted, slamming her clenched fist down into the armrest of her throne in a most uncharacteristic gesture. "I am not here to discuss or debate any of your courts talents or lack of them. We all are more than familiar with them by now." She sighed and eased down back into her throne. "No. As much as The Emerald Court would appreciate the gesture of The Scarlett Court to form a single hunting party to track down and find the one that was captured, and even though The Emerald Court could more than cover the cost to the Ashen Court to find the secrets necessary to recover safely those taken from us, it is my belief that the time has come for a final solution to this issue. I believe in peaceful resolution to conflict, I believe in it with my whole heart and soul; you must agree with me by now that this is an enemy that will not speak with us, it will not negotiate or play at politics. The time has come. We must organize all of our Courts together to form a united offensive against these fiends. It is time to band together and take the battle to them. Good Noble-Blooded, though I am loathe to say this we must march to war."




Prospect Heights, Brooklyn, New York City
Brooklyn Botanic Garden
August 3th, 1991

"Hold still, dammit!" She exclaimed as she rapidly backcombed the air she held in her hand. Dan, or 'Burlap' Dan as his friends has come accustomed to calling him still wriggled a bit when she did the dreads in his hair. The backcombing processes could take a long time and was not the most comfortable thing in the world. Still it surprised her that such a large, strong ogre as Dan still flinched like such a big baby whenever she did this.
"I am trying, Evy but you've gotta stop OUCH! OW! GODDAMN IT!"
She groaned and grabbed his head with both hands and put it back in front of her. "Dan, stop being a wuss. This is the last one and then I can start hand-rolling it."
"Far out." He said "The sooner the better. I feel kinda naked without em."

The two of them sat in the same park they had met for the first time years ago, seated under the great multicolored Maypole in the Duke's personal Court Park. The wind blew softly around them, spinning he ribbons of the maypole around them gently. The bells at the ends of them chiming charmingly away into the afternoon as Yvonne Southbreeze, courtisan of the Emerald Court worked away on her old friends hair.

"What happened to them anyhow, Dan?" She said going back to her comb and the lock of hair and fur in her hand. "Last I checked your Dreads were just fine, they didn't need any work at all. Next thing I know your offering me tribute with another good half foot of undreaded freshly grown hair that you didn't have before."
"Its a long story, Evy." He muttered. "Your really better off not knowing."
"Hey, if your gonna be that way you can get someone else to fix this things for you."
"Oh, come on Evy! I.. honestly I mean it. I'm trying to protect you here."
"Dan, I am the Court Liaison between The Emerald Throne and the Iron Spear. Between Duke Kuchiyama's personal guard and half the gang-bangers that protect King Perseus I don't think anyone is going to be laying a finger on me."
Burlap Dan sighed. "Perseus might if he finds out that you knew anything about what I was up to." She paused, feeling a slight chill up her spine. Years ago she had sworn an oath of friendship to Burlap Dan. To protect and care for each other as comrades and good-fellows. He was in danger. Again.
"Are you serious, Dan?" She sighed. "Did you get yourself caught up in something directly against the Summer King?"
"Well.. not directly no. Dammit, I wanted to keep you out of this but.. do you remember that Cop I told you about? That Lieutenant in the Gang Unit back in South Central Bronx?"
"Yeah Lieutenant Santiago or something. You said that was gay-bashing in Greenwich Village or something?"
"If only it was that bad. Word is around some of the local queer cliques in that neighborhood that the guy is a bigger goddamn boogie man than I am. Not oathborne or anything that the kenning can see, just a goddamn monster. Two weeks ago I found out that he raped this poor lesbian kid after breaking her girlfriends hip with his nightstick. He did it right in front of her. He was laughing while he did it. Saying that they couldn't touch his ass."
"... my god."
"Its gets worse. Legally? Looks like he was right. No one was willing to testify against him, and his buddies in Blue weren't saying a damn thing. He's apparently a fucking supercop. And worse; he's in King Perseus's pocket. Like I said; not fully oathborn but he's doing favours for the goddamn Summer King. Nothing the cops or the Law was gonna do..."
".. and nothing any sane member of any of courts would do either. We all know how much King Perseus loves his little toys."
"Yeah.. no sane member of any of the courts. Except me."
"Dan what did you do?"
".. me and this other guy cornered him in an alley as he was about to curb stomp some gay kid. We got evidence on tape of the whole thing..."
"Well heck Dan, that sounds like a start..."
"... then I whooped his bigoted pig ass like a bitch. Apparently I broke three of his ribs. And dislocated his elbow... and his jaw.. and um.. me and the other guy thought it would be funny leave him in the alley when we were done with a .. bouquet of daisies sticking out of his ass. As a warning to his pals."
"Alright Dan look; first of all, that was not cool. Awesome? Maybe. Just? Not for me to say. Funny as all hell? Hell yeah."
Dan broke into a smile. "Goddamn funny as all hell. You shoulda seen the look on the paramedics face when they came for his bitch ass." The smile faded. "Yeah. See the problem is.. I kinda lost it on him.. and he saw me."
"Well for an ass whipping like that Dan I would have thought he would have seen something."
"No Evy. You don't get it. He saw Me. That was the problem. So me and the other guy stuck around long enough to make sure the ambulence got to him. The other guy tried to convince me to kill him to cover our tracks but, playing vigilante is one thing; I couldn't bring myself to kill him. But he saw Me. So what was I supposed to do? I knocked him out cold, ran for the hedge and I ah.. well I made a deal with some goblins. They showed me the path to his dreams through the hedge so I could muck up his memories enough that he couldn't remember about seeing Me. The Cost? My hair. All of it. Every last pretty dread that you had rolled up for me years ago when we first met. I had to make another deal to get my hair back at all with a different Gobbo, and when I did apparently the dreadlocks"
"Dan, its okay. I understand. You didn't want the courts to know about it and tear the curtain. You kept the secret of the lost from the sleeping. You did good. It hurts to know that something I did for you so long ago was the price but.. it was yours to pay." She sighed and wrapped her arms around him from behind. "I just can't believe you would do something like this. Its so.. Crimson. Its like something the Summer Court would do."
"I know... I know. I'm sorry Evy. I wouldn't ever hurt someone like that unless I have to protect someone I cared about. And when I heard about those two girls.. and then I heard about you and that new youngling that just made it across..."
She turned crimson. She had been trying so hard to keep the relationship with the recently discovered Dancer, Kelli a secret for months. "Ohmygod.. Dan I .. I had no idea that you knew.."
"Evy, its okay I get it. Your not into me like that. I don't blame you. Besides, I took an oath of friendship. I don't care if you dig on guys, ladies, both or gas-powered appliances. Your sex life is yours to worry about, no one elses. I am just glad to see your happy." Dan grimaced. "And with bastards like that out there, I just felt like the world wasn't as safe for people with tastes like yours and hers."
"Thanks Dan.. I just need to know one more thing."
"Yeah Evy? Whats that?"
"Who was this other guy?"
"You sure you want to know?"
"Yeah." Yvvone insisted. Something about this felt wrong. Burlap Dan lowered his voice to a hush;
"Leon Dias. Perseus's own Knight-Protector."
"... What? That doesn't make any sense... Why would he..."
"Put two and two together Evy.. and don't say a word to anyone. Not until its done."
Yvonne blanched. She couldn't believe it. Could her old friend Burlap Dan have been tricked into aiding a coup de tat against the Summer King himself??

The wind gently spun the ribbons of the maypole again... the chimes singing their song of innocence. Pretending not to know of the bloody days to come soon.


Woodside, Queens, New York City
Woodside Millenium Arborium
April 5th, 2008


"Why do you say this now of all times, Duchess?" Asked the Winter Queen.
"I have heard reports that the Garbage Goblins are getting smarter, laying more intelligent traps, more lethal snares and using stratagies and tricks that show that they are quickly becoming a much more lethal foe than the nuisance we are used to dealing with. One is dead tonight. Two missing, possibly dead. Maybe they were no one of importance but eventually at the rate they are going its inevitable that they will either harm or kill someone of importance to one of our courts."
"She has a point." Said King Dias, stroking his beard with concern. "Not a hundred feet from one of our training grounds, those smelly bastards had set a trap using an empty dumpster, a tripwire and enough chain to have it swing through a bottleneck of an alley. The one that sprung the trap recovered, but it had potential to do some real damage. There is word that the trap was intended for myself, although I doubt it myself."
"Interesting." Mused the Winter Queen. "How long do you think it will take until they learn to fill it with cement or water before they loose such a trap? Or when they start using guns? I agree. They are demonstrating a tenacity for survival and guerrilla warfare. We cannot have been the only ones who have noticed them though." She said with a knowing glance towards towards Baron Copperleaf, pregnant with a name of a place or a person known only between the two of them.
"You should listen to her, Duchess;" Said the Baron, mid puff on his cigarette. "Those little bastards aren't just on our radar. They might be getting smart, but they aren't gonna be smart enough to deal with the kind of problems things like those usually bring down."
"Like Hunters. Or the Police. Feds. The Church." Said Prince Shodehrn leaning against the wall just a little ways from his adopted Mother. As he spoke he cleaned under his nails with his prized Dueling Dagger, its blade gleaming pure white as snow, a bold faced lie to the blood that had coated it many times. "Or worse. The Changers could decide that they are enough of a threat and decide to deal with them for us."
"Jesus, thats the last thing we need." Muttered the Baron. "If that happens, if we are already embroiled in a large scale conflict with these Goblins the changers will consider us nothing more than collateral damage. They will kill just as many of us as them. They've already told us as much that they don't trust us."
"We can't wait for any of them to act first." The Duchess insisted. "Goddamn it.. I can't sit here in this guilded hall with this crown of good intent while these things hurt people that I care about. I need you to support this initiative." Reaching within her gown she removed the ornate ivory dagger from inside, carved from the tooth of a great monster of the hedge.

"As Duchess of the Spring Court I implore you to draw your weapons with me so that we can meet this threat together! Motleys of our Court have already seen first hand what they are capable! Let us put aside all our differences and cleanse this scourge from our city. Spring may be the Court of Desires. I do not desire blood, I do not desire vengeance or war. I desire peace, and from where I sit this is the only way; with all of us working together."

Baron Copperleaf groaned. "Please, Duchess. My people are more than capable of protecting ourselves from these discarded goof-balls. The Autumn Court will not join with you unless the other two do."

King Dias breathed hard. "I do desire war, good Duchess. I would not only draw blade and bow against these bastards, I would draw cold iron and submachine gun, pistol and hammer. Were it wise I would show those heathen goblin bastards what a war felt like." With a sigh, he reached back and covered himself with his cloak. "But we cannot. The games will be upon us with the coming of the summer, and there is no way to end a conflict such as this quickly or with any kind of timetable that would allow us to honor our age old laws. Let the games come and go, good Duchess; when they are done, and all of our peoples are trained, prepared, and cleansed for battle we will not only have a knowledge of combat that will lend well to this fight, but the blessing of the Wyrd itself."

Duchess Southbreeze closed her eyes. Council. She hated council. It went exactly as she knew it would. She slumped in her chair as the two nobles began to stand, bow, and leave.

Dan. I am so sorry Dan. If they have you there is no..

"What would you ask of my Court, good Duchess?"

Shocked, she opened her eyes to Queen Slate of the Onyx Court standing before her. Blade still shealthed, and her adopted Prince behind her looking very shocked.

"You would draw blade against them with us, Queen Slate?" She asked, confused and shocked. The one voice she expected to turn against her now stood behind her with a cold resolve. The Queen laughed coldly.
"No. We would not. We have not forgotten the insults our Court has been subject to at the lips of yours. But I agree; they are a threat that must be dealt with. I disagree that Blade or Bow is the solution however." The ice in her voice cooled the air around her, and regardless of the meaning to the words, The Duchess could not help but feel uneasy. Something about this felt very wrong.. but she had to play it out.
"What would you suggest, wise Winter Queen?" She said with as much respect as possible.

A smile crept across the Queens face, her blue lips curling and taking form like rapidly freezing ice. "Come Duchess. Let us walk in your garden and discuss our options."

If one of the below videos does not immediately and spontaniously cause you to lose your shit with laughter, I regret to inform you that Crashus Maximus no longer considers you awesome.

Woodside, Queens, New York City
Woodside Millenium Arborium
April 5th, 2008


Jonas panted as he sprint from his two door hatch. This was bad. In less than half an hour an entire motley, even if they were not the most popular.. attacked? It was unthinkable. The only one he had heard from had exclaimed out of breath to those who held oath over him via twitter; one dead for certain, one badly wounded, one captured by those.. those things . And lucky him, of course his bosses couldn't be arsed to leave the basement for once. They had to leave this in his own trusted hands. Jonas had never delievered news like this. Ever. He could only hope that she would bear the messenger no ill will.

The Sentries at the doors only gave pause to barr him entry. His explaination not only moved their pikes from the entrance into the Duchesses personal Hollow, it also warranted an immediate escort.

Upon entrance into the Arborium, he had begun to catch his breath. Even during a time as tragic as this, he could not help but gaze at her beauty in wonder. It never ceased to amaze him and make him wonder; if the true fae came for me tonight, would I come back as beautiful as this? Would it be worth leaving everything behind? Even inside the Arborium, the soft warm april breeze comforted him. As he approached the gathering of cushions that the Duchess and her Concubine entangled themselves before him, barely noticing him until he had clicked open the lock on his briefcase, opening the Laptop inside and establishing the wi-fi link to the Dungeons nearby uplink. With an annoyed moan she pulled herself off the oathborn youth that had fallen sway to Kelli's wiles. Her eyes softened when they met with Jonas's. The air grew colder.

"You bear ill tidings." She said.
"M'lady." He said with a bow. "I am Jonas Whitmore, retainer and messenger of your f.."
"You represent Black Frag. I know you, oathborn. You are welcome to both my hospitality and my ear. What message do you bring?"

The wi-fi link completed. The Four 8-bit avatars of Black Frag appeared in the different corners of the screen. The synthasized voice began to deliver its news, live from four sets of keyboards on the other side of New York.
" duchess southbreeze black frag regrets to inform you that therehas been a deathin your court "

She pushed the youth aside towards one of her sentries. Lady Kelli gasped and put both hands over her mouth.
"Who?" She asked frankly, her eyes the very picture of concern.
Jonas spoke up;
"We have confirmed that one hour ago the Motley Known as the Lost Causes was attacked by the beasts some are calling the Garbage Goblins. The one known as Non-Stick Sally has fallen. The hedge-born known as Mary-Beth Johnson was captured and we are assuming is now worse than dead... M'lady, I am sorry. Your old friend, Burlap Dan; he was confirmed wounded in the attack. Greviously. We.. we don't know yet if he has survived."

Dan. Her last words with him were in anger, and not the empassioned anger that King Diaz would encourage, just the anger of having the Pander to the Courts because of his foolish pursuit of... damn him. Why did this have to begin with him? The one who began it all so long ago;

Prospect Heights, Brooklyn, New York City
Brooklyn Botanic Garden
August 18th, 1983

She stared long at the rows of roses before her. Like a soft red ocean before her, it still frightened her that she could anticipate the wind before it began to subtly ease them one way. Like a slow ceremonial dance by many skinny dancing girls with big red hats. East.. east.. east, west.. east..

"It won't be much longer. I promise." Sir Rashaka said. The tall Punjabi man only appeared to be such to everyone elses eyes. If it had never happened to her, she never would have seen his cool blue Turban or traditional Dagger on his belt. Or noticed how even the most bigoted white man on the sidewalk may sneer at others of his homeland, but would uneasily give the very large man the space he requested. There may have been a part of even those who had never seen the Arcadian shores that sensed the Great Bengal Tiger-man armed with a blue-glowing scimitar who had found her shivering that alley in Bellerose.

In one moment, you were protesting against Vietnam in Washington, 1968. You are only thinking about how much you hate the war, how much you want your brother not to be drafted and sent to die in Da Nang. The next, you wake up covered in scratches from god-knows what, and you have been changed forever by a place beyond the dreams of the waking world, by a place you can only barely remember.

"Its funny." She said glancing over at Rashaka. "You forget about fairy tales."
"But they never forget about you." He said with a grim smile. "I honestly wish I could say that it gets better."
"It gets worse than this?"
Sir Rashaka put a hand on her shoulder and knelt beside her. She could feel strength in his hand, and a strange comfort in the wisp of fur between his paws. One of some kind of Knightly Order (He said they were called "Ordre de l'Azuredge" or something like that) he had told her that they had dedicated themselves to serving something called The Crimson Court. Part of their duties included finding and protecting young ones like herself until they could decide on a court to swear fealty to. Even so, she got the feeling that he would be with her even if it wasn't a part of his duties. "It can get worse than this, young one. But much of this depends on you."

"Senor Rashaka;" the voice called from down the path. The other Knight was returning from down the path; the big bug. She wasn't sure if she liked him very much. Mind you, for a big bug he did like Snickers bars. Maybe he wasn't all bad? Sir Rashaka stood and they exchanged bows.

"They are almost ready," the big bug said, his Spanish accent sounding odd, unlike the ones she had heard from most hispanic people in America. Maybe he had a speech disorder or something. Or maybe it was because he was a big bug. She couldn't tell. "And when I say almost ready, I mean whenever 'The Brooklyn Shogun' has time for them. He is taking his afternoon meditation, then Duke Kachiyama wishes to see this one along with another that was found by another Motley in Central Park."
"Central Park? You cannot be serious, my friend." Sir Rashaka took her by the hand and began to walk her down the park that led to the Japanese Garden.
"It is difficult to say if it was done of bravery or stupidity, but I am willing to bet that it involved at least a goblins mouthful of them both. A young Farwalker was found in the Northwest corner by The Fearless Phalanx."
"The Fearless Phalanx. Diaz. That cocky haramjada panh chod!!
"Language!" Said the big bug, with a slight chuckle. "He is the adopted son of our Court Baron. He's breeding him to be King one day. The very one you curse you may one day owe your allegiance to."
Sir Rashaka spat. "Should the day that mindless maachaud takes the crown, I hope he at least learned a thing or two about tactics. He's going to get good people killed."
The big bug shrugged. "Maybe. But not you or I, my friend. Or at least, not I." The big bug made a face, (she thought it was supposed to be a smile, but who could tell?) and parted ways as they approached the small clearing outside the Koi Pond. Rashaka directed her to sit and wait for a few minutes by a large pole that stood in the ground. It was painted many colors, purple, green, red, yellow, orange, and had many multicolored ribbons tied to the top dangling down. Seated at the bottom leaning against it was a large man dressed in old burlap and denim, covered in hair from his feet to his head. Long and askew, she couldn't help but giggle a tiny bit as she approached as she watched him struggle to control it with a hairbrush he had been given. She stopped giggling as he took notice and turned around. It turned out he was also very tall. Very tall. And very strong looking. And perhaps as unhappy as she was. He sighed as he looked her up and down.

"Well." He muttered. "I guess not every one of us that escapes comes out looking like a hideous freak."
She glanced down, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. Her skin, even as it healed from her escape had a cool bluish tinge to it that she didn't remember from days before. "I'm sorry." She said sheepishly. "Would it make you feel any better if I told you that I can't go anywhere without feeling a breeze anymore?"
"No." The large hairy boy said. "But it might if you tell me that you know a way to change back to normal."
"Oh.. um" She said. "Sir Rashaka says that there is no going back to the way things were."
"Ain't what I heard." Said the large hairy boy. "The guy who rescued me from the Monsters in Central Park? He told me that there ain't nothin impossible. Never. You just gotta be willing to fight for change."
The young air-touched sat next to the far-walker. "Fighting is dangerous though. People get hurt. Sometimes people that aren't involved."
"You know another way to change things? For the better? Like how someone would get rid of.. this??" He said excitedly, gesturing to the long, matted fur and hair coming out of every inch of his head and face.

She sighed and shrugged. "I don't know how you could ever get rid of that. I hate how in order for something to be better for some people that it means to get rid of something. Maybe sometimes it just means you have to accept the way things are, the way you are. Maybe that even goes for those of us that escape Arcadia. Maybe we just have to accept what we are, and anyone worth knowing and dealing with has to accept this as well."
"Yeah.. and how the hell are people gonna accept this??" He said again gesturing to his fur and hair. "Goddamn pointless optimism..."
She paused, deep in thought. The wind eased against the leaves in the trees, tossing the fur and hair back and forth softly, like the beginning motions to a dance of total abandonment and energy, despite the surly angle of his brow.
"You know.." she said with a smile, ".. before the Fae took me across the hedge, I used to be one hell of a hairdresser. I dunno.. you a fan of dreadlocks?"
With a groan the young far-walker massaged his forehead closed his eyes. "Lady, " he said, "Do I look like some kind of hippy to you??"
"No." She said. "But you sound like you used to be. I should know. I marched too. '68. Capitol Hill. Vietnam."
He sighed. "Yeah.. yeah so did I. Funny. It sounds like it didn't do a damn thing in the end. But.. what its worth, I never had the hair for dreadlocks before they took me. Was.. well was always kinda sad I didn't."
"Well, " she smiled and grinned "I think you have the hair for it now."
A small smile finally found its way to the far-walkers face as he turned to look at her.
"I'm Dan. Dan Barzowski." He said, offering his hand.
"Hi Dan. I'm Yvonne. Yvonne Stevenson."


<<< TO BE CONTINUED >>>

Some history for you; Crashus Maximus is not proud of it, but I am a college dropout. I could site a could reasons why that might sound reasonable. Indecision. Uncertainty about where I wanted to go with life. Women. Beer. The fact that I kept falling asleep in class. Beer. Women. Beer. Falling asleep in class. A few of the contributing factors however resided in the small arcade they later replaced with a GMCC swag store nowadays. Good LORD. I remember this one goddamn pinball machine winterlive were just ABSOLUTELY addicted to. Something about Martian Attack or something.. (Hey winterlive .... GEEEERMANYYYY IS VICTOOORIOOOOOOOOOOOS...) When she was too much of a snob to be about though, they also had original stand up Unit for Midways NFL Blitz. What made the original arcade game awesome was that even though it was about a typically uncomplicated sport made complicated by a ton of dumbass rules was that it made all the uncomplicated crap look goddamn awesome. Between late hits, downright painful looking tackles, cinematic style running, passing and ease of play there was not a red-blooded guy at my school that had didn't have a profile on that damn cabinet.

Now years later of course, even if Midway could afford it (which they can't) The NFL licenced teams are inaccessable to anyone except EA (YOU WHORES. I love you...) Midway has taken the Blitz series of games into a fictional over-the-top Football league where the rules are almost nothing more than a sidenote and all that matters is winning no matter who gets their scrotum ripped in half, addicted to steriods, or caught with a Transvestite Prostitute named Sharon in a low rent Vegas Motel ( Marv, marv, marv, marv, marv, marv... marv.. MARV... marv this is god WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING??)

What Midway made AWESOME about this game

First off, for a Football game without a single Licenced team, the game does what the series has always done; It takes an game with a gigantic tangle of dumbass rules and regulations and cuts them out straight to the game itself. All that matters is your Defensive Game, your Offensive game, and how you modify your team through training and "juicing" (ie. both over the counter supplements and illegal steriods). The gameplay is easy to pick up and get into compared to games like Madden which almost need a damn college level class to understand. FOR GODS SAKES, DON'T WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW IF YOU GOT A WEAK STOMACH. And just be thankful I didn't use the one where they show the burst scrotum.



Just to toss in a little extra bit of nastiness to the game (and subsequently a bit of gross fun) the way the game handles injuries is just plain awesome. Depending on the strength and stamina of the tackling player and the location, serious injuries occur. What was previously just a lightning fast animation of an x-ray photo of a bone snapping, splintering or breaking is now.. um.. well lets just say its juicier this time. Think the animations from the show House

The game is also very pretty. Between weather effects that both affect the gameplay as well as the character models (Your players will get more and more muddy and grimy with every quarter that passes during a rainy game for example) to a really excellent framerate for the mo-capped animation. A true critic of the series could complain that they are still using the same mo-cap skeletons for the majority of the animation, but it still looks damn good three years after the original Blitz: The League. Everything from the custom uniforms, animation, to the very scantily clad whores I MEAN CHEERLEADERS on the sidelines doing their stripper dances in thongs that while bear absolutely political or anatomical correctness, the game sounds and looks good.

The game is also has a mild bit of humor to it, from the mildly narcoleptic and confused senior commentator's comments to the after-touchdown animations from the players that include everything from mimicking pooping out the ball to general football style comments about other players lack of masculinity. There are a few moments for anyone willing to pay attention that will cause the odd chuckle or groan, which is unfortunate because if they really wanted to plug at it, it could be a damn funny game as well. The entire premise for satire of the NFL and sports politics in general, athleticism in advertising, and Sports-Page scandal and rumor-mongering is very preganant with possibility. Unfortutely, the writing used for the plot of the game well.. um...

Where Midway FAILS with this game

The plot is .. well considering my high expectations, even though its kind of engaging as the campaign mode follows the Career of a rookie out of the College leagues, while it doesn't completely fall flat it still leaves me wanting more. I keep thinking of movies like The Longest Yard or Any Given Sunday or The Last Boyscout and thinking to myself why the hell can't they do a sports game with a plot more like that?? It is a marked improvement from the historical plotless wonders in the arcade, and a slight improvement from the 1st of the League games but its a good example of where Midway needs to work. It could be argued that any game of this nature with a story of any kind is still great, and it is. I complain about this only because its becoming clearer and clearer to me that Video Games are going to be the next big medium of storytelling, and this franchise will probably be easily forgotten by gamers like myself if the story really isn't worth following.

While the sound the game uses is mostly as sharp and attention-getting as the graphics (I could 'appreciate' the kind of muffled wet CRUUUNCH noise they use when you dislocate someones shoulder) the music was another story. Annonymous generic rock would have been a hell of a lot better than this amateur jock rap that they infuse into the game, its just embarrasingly bad even for most rap. YES THATS A PERSONAL OPINION. TAKE IT. AWWWWWGGHHH.. It would have been a lot better if Midway had either spent a little cash and actually gotten some decent r&b or rap and some decent metal which arguably would have been more appropriate for this kind of game.

The only other complaint could be a lack of decent multiplayer. Not that multiplayer just fails in general, but mostly because since no one else really plays this damn game out there or has the time or attention span to commit to a single 20 minute game finding an opponent online is next to impossible.

Overall??

The game kind of falls suit with where a lot of Midways games go. Blood. Guts. Extreme violence. Titties. Bad language. Worse Music. Giving the almighty middle finger to taste, class and good behavior and tearing at the jugular. To be play this game and play it well is catharic, primal almost. The unfortunate teeth-grinding shortcomings of this game are what have pushed this franchise out of the lime light, which is unfortunate because with a little shine, polish and a little forethought, this could have been a real gem. While the series might be a personal favorate of mine, it will never be successful as long as continues to just plug the same crap without trying anything new. In short?

- Needs better music
- Needs better writing for the Plot
- Needs moar humor and satire.
- Makes me want to see and actual Console or PC version of Bloodbowl more than EVAR.
- Is a good sign that Midway is trying to innovate
- ...but they'll still get stuck in old broken ideas that fail. Time to learn from those who do not fail. (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, UBISOFT.)
- Feel it.
- Smell it.
- FOOOOOTBAAAALLL.

I have been barely posting on LJ lately. This has been a bad combination of assuming that I really don't have much to say lately as well as just basic sloth.

It also might have something to do with my ever-present lack of confidence in my own skill to write, craft fiction, spin words into pretty sentances or just YELL IN CAPS ABOUT STUFF THAT MAKES CRASH HAPPI UR SAAD.

This is mostly a shout out to all my friends working at EB lately; D'ya think it would actually be worth my time to blog about video games in general at least 3 times a week? Either for shits or giggles or for you to tell your readers about this insane addict they know that actually considers the modern equivilent of 70's blockbuster hits to be future works of art and human expression?

Are you out there world?

Are you listening?

Do you care?

Gonzo journalism is a method of journalism that differs from others because unlike standard objective journalism its always directly from the point of view of those viewing the events.

Every release date an event?
Every polygon an expression?

Why the fuck not? Heh.

Ahem.

One word;

HAAAAAAAFUCKINLELUJAH.

http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117998665.html?categoryid=1236&cs=1

I saw this article online today. It kinda spoke to my soul. Thought I would share it with you all;

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/14/world/asia/14kandahar.html?ex=1389589200&en=716b9f31b0084490&ei=5124

Christmas; the gift that keeps on giving.

Mousy is behind me right now shaking her booty and singing "White Wedding" by Billy Idol with Rock Band 2.
Its very sexy.

Life is good.